Warthogs
by jennifer snape
Summary: All our favourite characters appear in this strange spoof! Featuring: Hermione ParkRanger, GoldenOldieMort, Humphrey Boggart, Professor McGoneAgain.... The list is endless!


This is quite strange!

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Chapter 1

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_ZZZZZAP!_

The radio, which had been lazily playing in the background, suddenly emitted a loud, static-filled screech and a high-pitched voice filled the room. "Youuuuuuuu can dance! Youuuuu can jive…. Having the time of your life….. See that girl, watch that scene, dig in the dancing queen!"

There was a collective yell of "NOOOOOOOOOO!" and the children promptly dived beneath the table and adopted the brace position. Hermione leapt towards the source of the lyrics, shielding her ears, and snapped off the radio. They had heard of Golden-oldie-mort and how he used badly arranged, off-key renditions of Abba songs to harmonise his victims to death. Before, thankfully, he had only sung in the streets – but now it seemed he was using the _radio_ as well. Was _nowhere_ safe anymore?

Hermione shivered and gathered her children close to her. After a few comforting words, and when she was quite sure that the little ones were alright, Hermione suggested a trip into the garden to check on their many pets.

Professor Squirrel was busy gathering nuts, wearing his usual purple turban, whilst Pink-pigeon (the result when Ron washed his owl Pigwidgeon in the bath with a red sock) hooted softly from a branch overhead.

Aragoggle, the giant spider, was putting in a few laps around the lake. He had recently succeeded the Giant Squid as captain of the swimming team, and didn't want to get rusty. Moaning Turtle was in her usual spot, bobbing just below the surface of the lake under a large leafy plant. Hermione had to keep a constant eye on her, because the poor animal was still rather bitter about the fact that spending so much time down toilets had turned her into a sea creature.

Unfortunately their pet deer was looking a little under the weather, and after a little questioning, divulged his feelings of low self-esteem. Hermione had noticed him looking a little off lately. She reached in her pocket for the newspaper clipping that she had come across that morning.

'_The Deer-mentor: Has your pet deer got a self-esteem problem? Hire a mentor to provide them with life-coaching!'_

Perhaps it was time to give them a call.

The trio soon returned indoors, each settling to their own activities. Hermione stretched lazily and settled down to her favourite film starring Humphrey Boggart, the golden-age Hollywood screen star who had taken to hiding in wardrobes and turning into people's worst nightmares. She was suddenly startled by a loud munching sound, and looked up to find her children working their way through a huge bag of 'Bertie Snot's Every Flavour Beans'.

"Give me those sweets!" Hermione snapped angrily. "What would Dean (Keep-your-teeth-clean) Thomas say?" He was the children's dentist.

"But we're hungry!" the children chorused.

"Naccio!" Hermione summoned a plate of nachos, which flew into her outstretched hand. "Serpen-tortilla!" Tortilla chips promptly poured from her wand.

A split-second later, as Hermione was just about to offer the snacks to them, there were loud screams as the children started battling over the TV remote. Her son kept trying to change the channel to 'Scooby Dobby Doo' (a cartoon about a dog that masqueraded as a house elf), whilst her little daughter insisted on watching 'The Poddington Peeves' (a family of poltergeists who lived "down at the bottom of the garden….")

Hermione finally occupied the kids with a game of Cluedo Bagman, the popular board game invented by the former Wimbourne Wasps beater and Quidditch World Cup commentator. She lowered herself once more onto the couch, when her gaze suddenly fell on the clock on the mantelpiece, that she had borrowed from the Weasleys. She jolted as she realised that nearly all the hands were pointing at the words 'picnic in the park at twelve noon'.

"Yarrgh!" Hermione exclaimed. She jumped up from the cushions in haste and promptly sent the kids to fetch their cloaks.

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The first chapter in this bizarre story heeeeeee! The TV programme that I was referring to was 'The Poddington Peas' (I think it was broadcasted only in Britain). I have fond memories of watching it when I was young! It was all about talking peas that lived at the bottom of the garden (not strange at all) AND it had a BRILLIANT theme tune that went – "Down at the bottom of the garden, among the birds and the bees, there are a lot of little people – they call the Poddington Peas!"


End file.
